When You Know What You Know What You Know

I first heard that line from the late, great, gospel pioneer Rev. James Cleveland when he testified during one of his songs about overhearing the hospital nurse say she didn't think he would make it during one of his bouts of illness. He said he knew without a shadow of a doubt that he would pull through. And although he did pass some few years later, during that particular hardship, he knew what he felt...and he was right.

I too have had my own moments of "unexplainable knowing" throughout my life (an uncanny trait I'm told I inherited from my late grandmother, Sallie), and I had one spine-tingling moment coupled with an extreme act of bravery just this week. After boarding a flight for a business trip in Chicago, I realized we had fallen behind the departure time without any explanation from the flight crew. A few minutes later, the pilot informed the passengers that maintenance was working on the engine, but all would be fine and we would be leaving soon. Instantly, I felt uneasy in an uncharacteristic way that I've only experienced a few times in my life. That uneasiness quickly grew into an unexplained, rapid-breathing panic, and I knew the window of time was closing for me to follow my gut and make a hard decision.

In that instant, I hit the flight attendant call button and told her I wanted to get off of the plane. She didn't challenge my decision, but her expression showed a slight look of skepticism. That alone could have caused many of us to forgo that decision. But I retrieved my bags, headed up the aisle, and made my solo exit. I was placed on a flight leaving an hour later and with that I felt a calm restore and breathed a sigh of relief although I knew I would be late for a meeting I was managing. When it was time to board my new flight, I went to the gate and discovered my original flight had been grounded and that everyone had to disembark--including the flight attendant who I spoke with, who was now sitting in the waiting area with her entire crew. I took no joy in what had happened to the other passengers, but I did feel extreme victory in knowing I had fought against doubt; the "norm"; questionable looks; and, instead, made a decision that not only saved me time (those passengers who got off were not able to rebook on the next flight like I did) but may have also saved my life!

That got me to thinking about how often we choose NOT to follow our gut or--as I like to call it--listen to God speaking into our spirits. Oprah loves to ask, "What do you know for sure?" That list may be long for some and short for others. But what I do know is that we know a lot more than we give ourselves credit for. The problem is that many times we simply prefer NOT to know. Although Chris Rock has a great joke about this, there lies an abundance of truth in that statement that have cost many of us an insurmountable amount of time, money, and pain.

How many times have we known the person we were in relation with was not who we should be with, yet we continue on because accepting that truth may leave us single or criticized? Or how about knowing the man who just got on the elevator with us in that dark parking garage seems questionable, but because we don't want to "judge" or cause hurt feelings by existing a floor earlier, we stay on and possibly put our lives in danger? How about knowing something in our body just doesn't feel right, but instead of checking on it we choose to take a few antacids and hope for the best? Or how about investing in a business venture that you're not 100% at peace with yet running the risk of losing your life's fortune because you're hoping for a successful outcome instead? There have been countless stories of misfortune that have begun with a person saying, "You know, I knew...but...." Unfortunately, hindsight is 20/20, but often we aren't as "blind" as we like to portray we are.

Thankfully, God gives us all that tiny "alarm clock" inside to wake us up to situations that may not serve us best. Yet, we tend to hit the "snooze button" often instead to save face, save time, or simply because we don't think we have the strength to face the outcome. Trust and believe, if God is there to bring you to it, He'll bring you through it. But we must first listen and then be obedient to what we hear. Never turn off or ignore your connection to the main line. You may be getting a "call" designed to save your joy, wealth, health...or even life.

Riding Out the Storm: What's Your Plan?

 

Perhaps because I'm getting older and am starting to notice the things "older folks" love to lament about, I've been very aware of the hostile storm patterns that seem to be increasingly plaguing many parts of the country as of late. In fact, the term "derecho" was never a part of my vocabulary until one collapsed my backyard fence in 2011 on the weekend of my birthday. It was both frightening and disheartening but, luckily, my insurance covered the damage and within a few weeks after waiting on money from my insurance company and selecting a fencing company, I came home after work to a brand new fence, which is even sturdier than its predecessor and still stands today, despite the many storms we continue to have.

That got me to thinking about storms of all kinds; not just the ones with wind and rains but those "storms" that show up as unexpected trials and tribulations in our life, be it health issues, job losses, the ending of relationships, or even the death of loved ones. And what I've discovered is that the same preparedness measures we take to protect ourselves and our surroundings from physical harm, can be applied to how we ready ourselves for life's "unexpectancies" as well.

1. Have a Plan--Most evacuations plans start with just that: a plan. In other words, a strategy of how you will get out of a tough situation if the unexpected should happen. If you lose your job tomorrow, do you have six months of your salary saved to sustain you? If major surgery is needed, do you have insurance that will cover you? If your partner should suddenly leave or pass away, can you continue to take care of yourself and your children be it through life insurance or other financial support? Many people live by the "wait and see" or "it will never happen to me" ideology. Here's the reality: "waiting to see" already puts you miles behind the starting line and "thinking it will never happen to me" will almost guarantee that it will. Don't be wishful; be smart and prepared.

2. Stock Up on Your Supplies--This directly ties into point number 1. Access your financial stability. If you are no where close to having six months of your salary saved, it's time to work your side hustles or look for a part-time job in order to earn enough funds to cushion your account. Pass on the daily Starbucks and stash that money into your savings as well. As my mom used to say, "Pennies make dollars" and every little bit helps. Also, if you work for a company that will reimburse you for your education, take advantage of gaining all of the knowledge you can while you can! A close friend who had been on her job for several years planned to eventually finish her bachelor's degree. When she was unexpectedly laid off, she found herself older, more in debt, and still without a degree, which made it even tougher for her to compete in the job market today. Remember: Never delay what you can start working on today.

As for preparedness when it comes to health, if you have medical insurance, get your annual exams without question! Women's wellness exams. Mammograms. Lab work. Eye checkups. Dental care. The body works much like an automobile and one part breaking down can quickly affect the other parts. Not preventing illnesses can not only cost you time, money--and in some cases your job--it can also cost you your life. As is said, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Let proactivity be your first line of defense!

3. Find Shelter--In the common sense "finding shelter" means to do so inside a physical structure; however, when facing life's trials, it's important to find a place where you can "go within" to meditate, pray, consult, and get clarity. Be it church, a prayer group, or a counselor, never underestimate the therapeutic benefits of talking through your situation with someone willing to listen and hold your hand through the tough times. There is strength in numbers, even if that number is increased by one. Rely on your emotional support systems during this time so that you don't feel your world is crumbling down both around you and within you.

 

4. Assess the Damage--When the storm passes--and it will--take the time to exhale; celebrate your "coming through"; and makes notes for what you could have done better. Then start at number 1 again and create a bigger, better plan. Unfortunately, and contrary to the old adage, lightening can strike the same place twice. And the only thing worst than going through something once, is going through it again when you had the opportunity to be both wiser and better prepared.

Just like with nature's storms, there is nothing like seeing the sun peek through the clouds afterward and calmness return to your surroundings. It's God's reminder that "the storm does pass over (hallelujah)." However, it's important to remind yourself that riding out those storms can be a lot less frightening when you've done your work and made provisions for the unexpected. Don't let the storms of life catch you "uncovered." It's time to get prepared!

Dating and Shopping: Are They Really That Different?

So, here's a scenario: You walk into a clothing store--perhaps intentionally; maybe by accident--and, behold, on the rack you see the dress of your dreams; the one you've been looking for for longer than you care to remember. It's the right color, the right size, and there's only one! And--lucky you--it's affordable! So, you leave the store and hope it will be there later. Sound crazy? Unbelievable, right?

How about this: You find that same dress but it's NOT affordable? However, the salesperson tells you that she will hold it for you long enough for you to get together what you need to purchase it, but if somebody else decides to buy it, she must let it go, and someone else is already "eyeballing" your dream dress! So, you leave the store, pursue no avenues to get what you need, and just assume it will be there later. Crazy again, right?

To those scenarios, many of us would quickly reply, "Oh, you didn't really want it then, because if you did...." Well, if we can draw that conclusion over a simple dress, then why do we rationalize this behavior when it comes to dating? Why do we allow ourselves to be picked over like massed-produced clothes when we're a one-of-a-kind "couture"? Why do we allow ourselves to be left "hanging on the rack" indefinitely when we know how valuable we are? Why do we allow others to "try us on" over and over again without ever "purchasing"?

Please know I'm not going to attempt to answer any of those questions for you. That's the point of this blog post, for we must all start doing the hard work in answering those for ourselves. But trust and believe, they are questions worth thinking about when we find ourselves in long-term relationships that are not leading to marriage; in dating situations where suitors call and text at random; in unions where you "make up and break up" more than you care to admit; and in affairs where canceled dates are the norm (see previous blog post, "Is It Time for a 'New Normal?'")

One of my favorite episodes of "Sex and the City" is when the character Miranda tries to justify why a guy she'd just gone out with didn't take her up on her offer to come up for a nightcap. Her friend's boyfriend blatantly states, "He's just not that into you." And upon hearing that, the ladies were up in arms about how that couldn't be true; providing tons of excuses for the date; and reassurring her that he would call. And yet, Miranda, with clarity, simply replies, "It is the most liberating thing I have ever heard. Think how much time in therapy I could have saved if I had known this."

Well, it's time we get liberated! We all know what interest looks like--period! In fact, we as women can be interested in a myriad of things from our hobbies to our apperance, and how we care for and pursue them is never compromised. And the only thing keeping us from wasting time in situations that do not lead to our "happily ever after's" is willingly accepting the "just not that" part in the middle of that sentence when it needs to be removed and simply left as "He's into you!" No question; no excuses. Yet, we seem to rationalize it away repeatedly due to loneliness, fear, fatigue, time invested, or desperation. However, nothing good has ever been born out of lack and if that lack is leading to complacency, it's time to answer those questions above sooner rather than later!

To think we can cherish; save up for; work two jobs; and do what needs to be done "by any means necessary" to get those Louboutins; Prada purses; dream houses; or luxury cars we want so much, yet allow others to desire and pursue us "in their own time and at their own convenience" shouts something very painful we don't like to admit often: We don't value ourselves like we should. And if we allow ourselves to be treated like we agree with that statement, we only have ourselves to blame when we remain on that "rack" indefinitely. It's time to truly know our worth so that when we meet those who don't, we can identify them more quickly and then redirect them to "shop" elsewhere.

Is it Time for a "New Normal"?

I grew up in a small city on a main street, which made the sounds of cars, trucks, passersby talking and--as "urban decay" threatened to creep in--the occasional sounds of gunshots "normal" to me. In fact, the familiar sounds became like a "distorted lullaby" as I laid my head to rest each night. I also attended college in a major city where those same sounds kept steady rhythm with the pulse of daily life. Seeking a change of pace as I got older and could direct my own path, I moved to the suburbs--25 miles away from that metropolis to a smaller city some folks described back then as "west bumf*ck." In other words, "no man's land." I didn't care. I was ready for a fresh start. But my fresh start brought a strange reality on my first night in my new home when I crawled into bed: it was too damn quiet for me to get to sleep. How do you like that? As much as I knew surrounding oneself in constant noise can be taxing to the mind, soul, and ultimately, body, I needed it to be comfortable. It was my "normal." But I was also wise enough to know it was not normal. That got me to thinking about other ways in which we cling to our "normals" even though we know they're far from being so.

It's amazing how often this word is an appendage to the end of many common statements: "We fight all the time, but that's normal...I'm always late, but that's normal...I'm always frustrated about something, but that's normal." Newsflash: It's NOT normal. In talking to a friend once, they were able to admit that whenever things got too comfortable in their relationships, they would create "drama" because that's all they knew. They didn't want it, but they also didn't know how to do without it. The same can be said for many of us who continuously find ourselves gravitating towards drama of all kinds be it on the job, in relationships, in organizations, or, dare I say it, even in the church. We all know--or may even be--those people who seem to, as the old folks say, "always have something going on." And those people are never authentically happy because "goodness and mercy" simply can not dwell where this is constant "turmoil and confusion."  So, how do we combat this?

First, we have to get real about who the common denominator is in our situations. Here's a hint: you're reading this. Regardless of what is happening around us, we will always be the person that's present in every situation. If the players and scenes have changed, but the script is still the same, it's time for some serious self-examination. Every friend is not out to use you; every guy or girl is not out to hurt you; every co-worker is not stabbing you in the back. Give "everybody" a rest and focus on the one person you can change: yourself.

Second, we have to want a new "script," and that comes with pushing past the discomfort of acting and reacting outside of your box, no matter how foreign that may feel initially. If you're the "I curse people out!" kind, try on the act of silence for a change. If you're the "I'm all about revenge" kind, try on the gift of forgiveness and integrity. As is said, doing what you've always done and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. 

Lastly, get yourself an accountability partner. That is, someone who you trust enough, be it a best friend, family member, or life coach, to speak truth to you and ask them about the "un healthy patterns" they see in your life, then begin doing the things (reading, taking workshops, meditating, etc.) you need to do to begin breaking those "familiar strongholds." Again, asking is key. Just because folks aren't bringing the patterns they've noticed directly to you, doesn't mean you don't have them. Ask lovingly and receive their feedback openly.

Let's stop settling for ordinary and work to become extraordinary in every area of our lives. As actress Jodie Foster said best, "Normal is not something to aspire to; it's something to get away from," especially when that normal is "noisy." As for me, I fought through the sound of quiet, the subtle chirping of crickets, the random house creeks that would have never been heard in the cacophonies of city life, until I found peace and comfort in my "new normal." That also resulted in me seeking peace and comfort in other areas of my life as well, which probably would have gone untended to if I had settled to be distracted by the "noise" instead.

What Language Are You Speaking to Yourself?

I love enlightenment. That's pretty obvious from the theme of many of my blog posts, which discuss growth and self love. So, imagine my glee when I "discovered" Dr. Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" book. I tongue-in-cheek say "discovered" as it had been sitting on my bookshelf for God knows how long. But after a close friend referenced some of its principles over dinner one evening, I made a mental note to pick it up, although I was sure I'd seen it somewhere before. Yep, on that bookshelf. So, with a trip to Barnes & Noble averted, I settled into bed one night with a cup of tea and began to read. And just as the plethora of critics over the many years of its existence have lauded it, the book was indeed, well, enlightening. And it definitely wasn't "rocket science," as the entire concept of the book could be summed up in another very simple principle: mirroring.

In other words, what I do for you, I want you to do for me, for the book makes it very clear that the love language we "hear" most clearly is the one we already "speak." Dr. Chapman categorizes those languages into five categories: Words of Affirmation; Quality Time; Gifts; Acts of Service; and Physical Touch. I'll spare you the breakdown of each and how to determine which language you speak (you can read the book for yourself or take the quiz here to find out). However, of the many concepts discussed, the notion of having our "love tanks depleted" when our language is not spoken back to us, in particular, was most interesting. So, when Dr. Chapman was featured on a recent episode of Oprah's Lifeclass, I eagerly tuned in.

Dr. Chapman gave a brief overview of his philosophy; even got Oprah to take the quiz (if you're curious, her love language is Words of Affirmation); then got to the business of giving couples in the audience (both live and Skype'd in) an opportunity to ask their questions. Most of the couples seemed genuinely in love yet simply lost in how to better demonstrate love to each other, while other couples seemed exasperated just talking about their challenges. It seemed the latter couples had simply hit a wall they just didn't know how to get around or climb over and the "wear and tear" was definitely showing. That got me to thinking deeper about the possibility of why both sets of couples seemed so different and that's when I had my own "a ha" moment: perhaps the success of the love languages is dependent on both partners already being whole as individuals when they enter into union as opposed to relying on the other to complete them, i.e., each person has to learn to speak those five languages to themselves first before requiring that someone else does.

In other words, have you learned to be your own biggest cheerleader and speak loving, encouraging words to yourself? (Words of Affirmation); Have you learned to enjoy your own company and spending time with yourself? (Quality Time); Do you spoil yourself with the things you want (not just the things you need) or treat yourself to your guilty pleasures often? (Gifts); Do you keep your commitments with yourself and show up in your life how you need to? (Acts of Service); Do you treat your body lovingly (massages, manicures/pedicures, etc.) or even give hugs or pats on the back to those in need (Physical Touch)?

Now don't get me wrong: there is nothing more enjoyable than having someone you love execute these things for you, but if you are relying on your mate solely or primarily to give you these, you will deplete their "love tank" faster than air out of a punctured balloon. No one can ever give you what you don't already have, even if just a tiny semblance of it. When you show up whole in a relationship, being able to speak and listen to--and thus, execute--love languages is probably a lot easier. And perhaps that was the difference in the two couples and the hope for change that one set seemed to have in comparison to the other. Where partners in one couple were just looking for the "utensils" needed to make eating their "meals" easier, other partners were looking to have their entire meals provided for. Big difference. Let's not over-tax our loved ones with giving us something we haven't learned to give ourselves first. That's too tall--and unfair--of an order for anyone to fill.

As I am truly blessed by what Dr. Chapman has shared with the world, I honestly can't wait until I can "test drive" these principles with someone special in hopes of creating something beautiful and lasting. But I'm also aware that until that time comes, the best way to prepare for that and ultimately, a healthy, happy marriage, is to practice these love languages with myself and pray that somewhere my intended mate is doing the same in preparation for me. Happy Valentine's Day!