Love & Hip-ocrisy: What We Can Actually Learn Instead of Just Laughing

So, we've all laughed, cringed, and judged our way through another season of Love & Hip Hop, which is humorously and erroneously titled in my opinion, since there's very little love and even less hip hop. Yet, we get an up close, front seat look each week into the lives of "artists" desperately seeking success in both--to no avail. Of course, it's the "no avail" part that keeps us coming back for more, secretly hoping although shaking our heads in hopelessness, but tuned in nonetheless. We scream, "Are you serious?" "Girl, get your life!" "He's such a loser!" And most commonly uttered, "I would not put up with that ish!" with total arrogance. But not so fast, ladies....

Yes, it's easy to find very little to compare ourselves to when the subjects of said statements are speaking in broken English, wearing dresses three sizes too small, and makeup four coats too thick, but if we stop to truly realize (and embrace) what these women are going through under the surface and how their struggles are ever present in our own lives, we might put down our bowls of good-TV-watching popcorn and glasses of wine and pick up our journals to take notes as well. So, before we're front and center for part 2 of the Love & Hip Hop's Reunion this evening, let's really take a look back at our infamous couples and break down what we as "sistas" can all learn (and apply to our lives as well).

Mimi/Stevie J/Joseline a.k.a The You-Can't-Change-A-Man Syndrome -- Oddly, we women suffer from this "syndrome" a lot! As born nurturers, we often think we have to power to love every man into "rightness"; into putting away his player ways, and having him recognize us as queens and, thus, having him become that king we always knew he could be. One problem--if he's not interested in that fantasy too, not a damn thing is going to change. Mimi learned this the hard way after years of dealing with Stevie J's philandering ways; however, Joseline thinks she has the "magic" (read: good loving, although a woman's magic can be anything from her great cooking to her ride-or-die support) to turn this frog into a prince. So much so, she proposed to the man to get him to settle down with her. Well, at the time of this writing, the blogs are already blowing up about Stevie J. expecting another child--from a ANOTHER woman. Bottom line: The only person you can ever change is yourself!

Erica/Scrappy a.k.a. The-Mama's-Boy-Can-Never-Truly-Be-A-Man (or YOUR Man) Syndrome -- I've lost count of the number of years Erica and Scrappy have been together. Let's just say long enough to have a 7-year-old daughter between them (although I hear their relationship dates back to high school). They've been on and off; engaged and dis-engaged; at each other's throats and in each other's bed. And ever present in it all: Mama Dee. Now, I'm all for men loving and respecting their mothers. In fact, it's said to know how a man will love and respect you, pay attention to his relationship with Ma Dukes. However, there's healthy love and there's unhealthy love. And running to mama for her opinion on every, single decision that must be made leans towards the latter. This bond is nothing new between a lot of single mothers and sons; however, it's up to man to know when to transition out of that dynamic. And Scrappy simply doesn't want to. This is a love triangle of the worst kind; one that will never yield Erica the relationship or husband she desires, for Scrappy is already married--to his mom. Ladies, if he's not willing to loosen himself from such a bond, don't get yourself tangled up in it as well. 

Kirk/Rasheeda a.k.a. The If-He's-an-Irresponsible-Dad-He's-Probably-an-Irresponsible-Dude Syndrome (and vice versa) -- I could actually refer this entire paragraph back to the Mimi/Stevie/Joseline one. At this point, I've lost track of the number of children Kirk Frost has (4? 5? 6?) by different women. Despite it all, he decided to wife up Rasheeda. They've been together for years and, bingo, this season she announced the blessed good news that she was having a baby too. However, much like "Single Kirk," he was preparing to roll out on this baby too if Rasheeda didn't heed his advice to terminate the pregnancy. When she didn't, he drowned his sorrows in a sea of other women. Shocking! Or is it?! This is usually that dreaded Catch 22 when we think because someone has put a ring on it, their character has transformed too. Not in this case as Kirk just proved this is not 100% fool proof for marriage does not change anyone who does not want to be changed by marriage. Now the deadbeat dad is unfortunately a deadbeat husband. Proof that you need to check a person's character even before you check their credit score. Oddly, the former can "cost" you even more than the latter.

DJ Baby Drew/Traci - The He's Supposed to Treat You Different Because You Are Different from Other Chicks Man  -- Not! People treat you according to who they are; not who you are. (I'm going to let that one sink in for a minute. Right). Traci has not let this one sink in, obviously. Who she thought Drew was when she met him, I have no idea. Who she hoped he would be after their child was born is not who he is either. Drew is simply Drew. The popular DJ who loves women (okay, groupies or as Traci has termed them "Popcorn Hoes") so much so, that not only does he indulge in them regularly but the man has created a t-shirt line dedicated to them: THAHA i.e., These Hos Are Always Hos *sigh* Enough said. And Traci is steaming mad that he, despite all of her support and financial backing, has not turned over a new leaf...in her direction. During one of Drew & Traci's many arguments, Traci uttered a phrase when talking about her single motherhood status that made me want to throw myself out of a 12-story building: "I didn't sign up for this!" Okay, ladies, I'm not going to lament here because I have a blog post that's been stirring up inside of me for some time on the audacity of uttering (and believing) such a statement. But I'll simplify it here: if there was not birth control of any kind present in your relationship and you don't have a ring on it (and you're NOT Rasheeda, sorry), not only did you sign up for it, you played a HUGE part in it. You are not a victim. Stop it now. And until Traci accepts this, her anger will probably score her a spot on season 3.

But, again, let's not get so far removed from what we see--and laugh at--for there are lessons for all of us to learn. The "Scrappies" in our lives may not have a bunch of tattoos but a bunch of degrees instead. Maybe he's not in the music industry like the "Stevie Js" of the world but work on Wall Street yet has a PhD in womanizing all the same. Don't be fooled just because the signs and dysfunctions show up in a "better package." And men there are lessons for you to learn as well if you're watching these shows and exhibiting or attracting any of this bad behavior in your own lives. After all, there's a lot of chasing love on these shows, but clearly not enough chasing of self-love, which really is at the root of many of the dysfunctional relationships we attract and stay in for far too long. We just don't have cameras documenting our "crazy"; yet, that doesn't mean we don't have our own crazy that we need to acknowledge, learn from, and remove from our lives as soon as possible, so we can all begin to live and love healthily and happily for ourselves and for our children..."and in that order," as Mama Dee has reminded us all season long! 

When You Know What You Know What You Know

I first heard that line from the late, great, gospel pioneer Rev. James Cleveland when he testified during one of his songs about overhearing the hospital nurse say she didn't think he would make it during one of his bouts of illness. He said he knew without a shadow of a doubt that he would pull through. And although he did pass some few years later, during that particular hardship, he knew what he felt...and he was right.

I too have had my own moments of "unexplainable knowing" throughout my life (an uncanny trait I'm told I inherited from my late grandmother, Sallie), and I had one spine-tingling moment coupled with an extreme act of bravery just this week. After boarding a flight for a business trip in Chicago, I realized we had fallen behind the departure time without any explanation from the flight crew. A few minutes later, the pilot informed the passengers that maintenance was working on the engine, but all would be fine and we would be leaving soon. Instantly, I felt uneasy in an uncharacteristic way that I've only experienced a few times in my life. That uneasiness quickly grew into an unexplained, rapid-breathing panic, and I knew the window of time was closing for me to follow my gut and make a hard decision.

In that instant, I hit the flight attendant call button and told her I wanted to get off of the plane. She didn't challenge my decision, but her expression showed a slight look of skepticism. That alone could have caused many of us to forgo that decision. But I retrieved my bags, headed up the aisle, and made my solo exit. I was placed on a flight leaving an hour later and with that I felt a calm restore and breathed a sigh of relief although I knew I would be late for a meeting I was managing. When it was time to board my new flight, I went to the gate and discovered my original flight had been grounded and that everyone had to disembark--including the flight attendant who I spoke with, who was now sitting in the waiting area with her entire crew. I took no joy in what had happened to the other passengers, but I did feel extreme victory in knowing I had fought against doubt; the "norm"; questionable looks; and, instead, made a decision that not only saved me time (those passengers who got off were not able to rebook on the next flight like I did) but may have also saved my life!

That got me to thinking about how often we choose NOT to follow our gut or--as I like to call it--listen to God speaking into our spirits. Oprah loves to ask, "What do you know for sure?" That list may be long for some and short for others. But what I do know is that we know a lot more than we give ourselves credit for. The problem is that many times we simply prefer NOT to know. Although Chris Rock has a great joke about this, there lies an abundance of truth in that statement that have cost many of us an insurmountable amount of time, money, and pain.

How many times have we known the person we were in relation with was not who we should be with, yet we continue on because accepting that truth may leave us single or criticized? Or how about knowing the man who just got on the elevator with us in that dark parking garage seems questionable, but because we don't want to "judge" or cause hurt feelings by existing a floor earlier, we stay on and possibly put our lives in danger? How about knowing something in our body just doesn't feel right, but instead of checking on it we choose to take a few antacids and hope for the best? Or how about investing in a business venture that you're not 100% at peace with yet running the risk of losing your life's fortune because you're hoping for a successful outcome instead? There have been countless stories of misfortune that have begun with a person saying, "You know, I knew...but...." Unfortunately, hindsight is 20/20, but often we aren't as "blind" as we like to portray we are.

Thankfully, God gives us all that tiny "alarm clock" inside to wake us up to situations that may not serve us best. Yet, we tend to hit the "snooze button" often instead to save face, save time, or simply because we don't think we have the strength to face the outcome. Trust and believe, if God is there to bring you to it, He'll bring you through it. But we must first listen and then be obedient to what we hear. Never turn off or ignore your connection to the main line. You may be getting a "call" designed to save your joy, wealth, health...or even life.

Riding Out the Storm: What's Your Plan?

 

Perhaps because I'm getting older and am starting to notice the things "older folks" love to lament about, I've been very aware of the hostile storm patterns that seem to be increasingly plaguing many parts of the country as of late. In fact, the term "derecho" was never a part of my vocabulary until one collapsed my backyard fence in 2011 on the weekend of my birthday. It was both frightening and disheartening but, luckily, my insurance covered the damage and within a few weeks after waiting on money from my insurance company and selecting a fencing company, I came home after work to a brand new fence, which is even sturdier than its predecessor and still stands today, despite the many storms we continue to have.

That got me to thinking about storms of all kinds; not just the ones with wind and rains but those "storms" that show up as unexpected trials and tribulations in our life, be it health issues, job losses, the ending of relationships, or even the death of loved ones. And what I've discovered is that the same preparedness measures we take to protect ourselves and our surroundings from physical harm, can be applied to how we ready ourselves for life's "unexpectancies" as well.

1. Have a Plan--Most evacuations plans start with just that: a plan. In other words, a strategy of how you will get out of a tough situation if the unexpected should happen. If you lose your job tomorrow, do you have six months of your salary saved to sustain you? If major surgery is needed, do you have insurance that will cover you? If your partner should suddenly leave or pass away, can you continue to take care of yourself and your children be it through life insurance or other financial support? Many people live by the "wait and see" or "it will never happen to me" ideology. Here's the reality: "waiting to see" already puts you miles behind the starting line and "thinking it will never happen to me" will almost guarantee that it will. Don't be wishful; be smart and prepared.

2. Stock Up on Your Supplies--This directly ties into point number 1. Access your financial stability. If you are no where close to having six months of your salary saved, it's time to work your side hustles or look for a part-time job in order to earn enough funds to cushion your account. Pass on the daily Starbucks and stash that money into your savings as well. As my mom used to say, "Pennies make dollars" and every little bit helps. Also, if you work for a company that will reimburse you for your education, take advantage of gaining all of the knowledge you can while you can! A close friend who had been on her job for several years planned to eventually finish her bachelor's degree. When she was unexpectedly laid off, she found herself older, more in debt, and still without a degree, which made it even tougher for her to compete in the job market today. Remember: Never delay what you can start working on today.

As for preparedness when it comes to health, if you have medical insurance, get your annual exams without question! Women's wellness exams. Mammograms. Lab work. Eye checkups. Dental care. The body works much like an automobile and one part breaking down can quickly affect the other parts. Not preventing illnesses can not only cost you time, money--and in some cases your job--it can also cost you your life. As is said, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Let proactivity be your first line of defense!

3. Find Shelter--In the common sense "finding shelter" means to do so inside a physical structure; however, when facing life's trials, it's important to find a place where you can "go within" to meditate, pray, consult, and get clarity. Be it church, a prayer group, or a counselor, never underestimate the therapeutic benefits of talking through your situation with someone willing to listen and hold your hand through the tough times. There is strength in numbers, even if that number is increased by one. Rely on your emotional support systems during this time so that you don't feel your world is crumbling down both around you and within you.

 

4. Assess the Damage--When the storm passes--and it will--take the time to exhale; celebrate your "coming through"; and makes notes for what you could have done better. Then start at number 1 again and create a bigger, better plan. Unfortunately, and contrary to the old adage, lightening can strike the same place twice. And the only thing worst than going through something once, is going through it again when you had the opportunity to be both wiser and better prepared.

Just like with nature's storms, there is nothing like seeing the sun peek through the clouds afterward and calmness return to your surroundings. It's God's reminder that "the storm does pass over (hallelujah)." However, it's important to remind yourself that riding out those storms can be a lot less frightening when you've done your work and made provisions for the unexpected. Don't let the storms of life catch you "uncovered." It's time to get prepared!

Dating and Shopping: Are They Really That Different?

So, here's a scenario: You walk into a clothing store--perhaps intentionally; maybe by accident--and, behold, on the rack you see the dress of your dreams; the one you've been looking for for longer than you care to remember. It's the right color, the right size, and there's only one! And--lucky you--it's affordable! So, you leave the store and hope it will be there later. Sound crazy? Unbelievable, right?

How about this: You find that same dress but it's NOT affordable? However, the salesperson tells you that she will hold it for you long enough for you to get together what you need to purchase it, but if somebody else decides to buy it, she must let it go, and someone else is already "eyeballing" your dream dress! So, you leave the store, pursue no avenues to get what you need, and just assume it will be there later. Crazy again, right?

To those scenarios, many of us would quickly reply, "Oh, you didn't really want it then, because if you did...." Well, if we can draw that conclusion over a simple dress, then why do we rationalize this behavior when it comes to dating? Why do we allow ourselves to be picked over like massed-produced clothes when we're a one-of-a-kind "couture"? Why do we allow ourselves to be left "hanging on the rack" indefinitely when we know how valuable we are? Why do we allow others to "try us on" over and over again without ever "purchasing"?

Please know I'm not going to attempt to answer any of those questions for you. That's the point of this blog post, for we must all start doing the hard work in answering those for ourselves. But trust and believe, they are questions worth thinking about when we find ourselves in long-term relationships that are not leading to marriage; in dating situations where suitors call and text at random; in unions where you "make up and break up" more than you care to admit; and in affairs where canceled dates are the norm (see previous blog post, "Is It Time for a 'New Normal?'")

One of my favorite episodes of "Sex and the City" is when the character Miranda tries to justify why a guy she'd just gone out with didn't take her up on her offer to come up for a nightcap. Her friend's boyfriend blatantly states, "He's just not that into you." And upon hearing that, the ladies were up in arms about how that couldn't be true; providing tons of excuses for the date; and reassurring her that he would call. And yet, Miranda, with clarity, simply replies, "It is the most liberating thing I have ever heard. Think how much time in therapy I could have saved if I had known this."

Well, it's time we get liberated! We all know what interest looks like--period! In fact, we as women can be interested in a myriad of things from our hobbies to our apperance, and how we care for and pursue them is never compromised. And the only thing keeping us from wasting time in situations that do not lead to our "happily ever after's" is willingly accepting the "just not that" part in the middle of that sentence when it needs to be removed and simply left as "He's into you!" No question; no excuses. Yet, we seem to rationalize it away repeatedly due to loneliness, fear, fatigue, time invested, or desperation. However, nothing good has ever been born out of lack and if that lack is leading to complacency, it's time to answer those questions above sooner rather than later!

To think we can cherish; save up for; work two jobs; and do what needs to be done "by any means necessary" to get those Louboutins; Prada purses; dream houses; or luxury cars we want so much, yet allow others to desire and pursue us "in their own time and at their own convenience" shouts something very painful we don't like to admit often: We don't value ourselves like we should. And if we allow ourselves to be treated like we agree with that statement, we only have ourselves to blame when we remain on that "rack" indefinitely. It's time to truly know our worth so that when we meet those who don't, we can identify them more quickly and then redirect them to "shop" elsewhere.

Is it Time for a "New Normal"?

I grew up in a small city on a main street, which made the sounds of cars, trucks, passersby talking and--as "urban decay" threatened to creep in--the occasional sounds of gunshots "normal" to me. In fact, the familiar sounds became like a "distorted lullaby" as I laid my head to rest each night. I also attended college in a major city where those same sounds kept steady rhythm with the pulse of daily life. Seeking a change of pace as I got older and could direct my own path, I moved to the suburbs--25 miles away from that metropolis to a smaller city some folks described back then as "west bumf*ck." In other words, "no man's land." I didn't care. I was ready for a fresh start. But my fresh start brought a strange reality on my first night in my new home when I crawled into bed: it was too damn quiet for me to get to sleep. How do you like that? As much as I knew surrounding oneself in constant noise can be taxing to the mind, soul, and ultimately, body, I needed it to be comfortable. It was my "normal." But I was also wise enough to know it was not normal. That got me to thinking about other ways in which we cling to our "normals" even though we know they're far from being so.

It's amazing how often this word is an appendage to the end of many common statements: "We fight all the time, but that's normal...I'm always late, but that's normal...I'm always frustrated about something, but that's normal." Newsflash: It's NOT normal. In talking to a friend once, they were able to admit that whenever things got too comfortable in their relationships, they would create "drama" because that's all they knew. They didn't want it, but they also didn't know how to do without it. The same can be said for many of us who continuously find ourselves gravitating towards drama of all kinds be it on the job, in relationships, in organizations, or, dare I say it, even in the church. We all know--or may even be--those people who seem to, as the old folks say, "always have something going on." And those people are never authentically happy because "goodness and mercy" simply can not dwell where this is constant "turmoil and confusion."  So, how do we combat this?

First, we have to get real about who the common denominator is in our situations. Here's a hint: you're reading this. Regardless of what is happening around us, we will always be the person that's present in every situation. If the players and scenes have changed, but the script is still the same, it's time for some serious self-examination. Every friend is not out to use you; every guy or girl is not out to hurt you; every co-worker is not stabbing you in the back. Give "everybody" a rest and focus on the one person you can change: yourself.

Second, we have to want a new "script," and that comes with pushing past the discomfort of acting and reacting outside of your box, no matter how foreign that may feel initially. If you're the "I curse people out!" kind, try on the act of silence for a change. If you're the "I'm all about revenge" kind, try on the gift of forgiveness and integrity. As is said, doing what you've always done and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. 

Lastly, get yourself an accountability partner. That is, someone who you trust enough, be it a best friend, family member, or life coach, to speak truth to you and ask them about the "un healthy patterns" they see in your life, then begin doing the things (reading, taking workshops, meditating, etc.) you need to do to begin breaking those "familiar strongholds." Again, asking is key. Just because folks aren't bringing the patterns they've noticed directly to you, doesn't mean you don't have them. Ask lovingly and receive their feedback openly.

Let's stop settling for ordinary and work to become extraordinary in every area of our lives. As actress Jodie Foster said best, "Normal is not something to aspire to; it's something to get away from," especially when that normal is "noisy." As for me, I fought through the sound of quiet, the subtle chirping of crickets, the random house creeks that would have never been heard in the cacophonies of city life, until I found peace and comfort in my "new normal." That also resulted in me seeking peace and comfort in other areas of my life as well, which probably would have gone untended to if I had settled to be distracted by the "noise" instead.