For all of its criticisms, one thing social media has always
done is entertain. In between the rantings (about societal ills) and the ravings
(usually about one’s own achievements) there’s the entertainment factor in the
form of skits, monologues, and wildly accurate observations that make you feel humorlessly
less weird about your own revelations. However, as a lifelong learner, what I’ve
always appreciated most are the posts that bring about pause, reflection, and invaluable
“aha” moments even if that wasn’t the intended goal, which is why one recent
Instagram post in particular sparked the inspiration for this end-of-year post
as we prepare to close out the old and ring in the new.
The
Instagram reel of note finds a grandmother doting on her young grandchild
in ways the child’s father simply can not believe in contrast to his own experience
growing up with his mom. As the grandmother purchases and lets the grandson do whatever
he wants, the adult son interjects, “I could barely get a hug [growing up.]”
Her reply, “Well barely get da hell out of my face.” After a series of scenarios
play out where the son continues to express disbelief at her “new and improved”
style of parenting, the video ends with the mom telling her son ,”It’s a different
type of vibe over here; you can’t compete where you don’t compare.” Now
although their banter was intended to be humorous and may even be relatable to
many who have marveled at parents' ability to transform into Grandparents 2.0 once the
next generation arrives, there was an undercurrent of hurt in the son’s voice, not
necessarily because of how his grandmother was showing up for his son but in
not acknowledging the ways in which she had
not showed up for him.
Let me say, this is not an experience I've witnessed personally. My
parents were of the "we-love-our-grandchildren-but-take-them-home-because-we’ve-already-raised-our-six-kids" variety. However, this experience of “do-over” parenting was the experience of a close friend
and, let me just say, those memories for him were both painful to process and conflicting.
After all, who wouldn't want their children to be lavished with an abundance of
unconditional grandparent love; however, in contrast to the love he did not receive, it
tore open a never fully healed wound; a wound he sought to get acknowledged at
times but for which, much like reflected in the reel, would always be dismissed
or responded to with excuses that didn’t quite land.
I’ve also been on the opposite end of this experience, if
you will, with an ex-boyfriend-turned-friend who, out of the blue one evening over
dinner, suggested we have a baby. Pause for reaction. Exactly. However, me
being me, I had to inquire as to what was underneath this unforeseen and, dare
I say, audacious request. After some deliberation, he stated because he hadn’t
showed up how he should have for his child after his divorce, he wanted a chance
to “do it over right.” In other words, instead of acknowledging, apologizing, and
then investing in correcting where he fell short in his past, he preferred to
leave it all behind and hit the restart button—with me (FYI, it’s important to
note I did not accept the offer. Smile).
And ironically, I’m currently in a
group chat where this dynamic is playing out in a similar manner as well, i.e.,
someone has committed an infraction, everyone knows it, but the perpetrator has
“moved on” to sending funny memes, gifs, and Tik Tok videos in hopes the
infraction will somehow resolve itself and the vibe will be restored. Let me tell
you: I’ve never been in a quieter group chat as, thankfully, no one is interested
in playing a part in such dismissive behavior until the right thing—or the right
conversation—is had. Ignoring, burying, and sweeping the past under the rug doesn’t
make it disappear; it just makes a lumpy rug that’s all the more obvious to
anyone who cares to see it.
So what does this have to do with the new year? Everything.
When the ball drops and we belt out the familiar words of Auld Lang Syne, we’ll
also drop the lists, make the proclamations, and re-share those inspirational posts
that speak to how we will do and be better. We announce all the new adventures
we’ll embark on and boast about the self-exploration we’ll begin. But if our
starting anew means ignoring those things in our past that need to be acknowledged
and reconciled, our rebirths will be in vain. Yes, age should bring wisdom and when we know better we should do better but our acknowledgment need not be at the expense of our grand transformations. We may choose to forget the
things we’ve done that caused others pain but, rest assured, our victims do
not. As poet Maya Angelou would once say, at the end of the day people may not
remember exactly what you said or did, but they will remember how you made them
feel. So as the new year dawns, let’s commit to “making those crooked places
straight”; finally having those conversations we’ve ignored; and acknowledging our
transgressions instead of dismissing their occurrences. As writer William
Faulkner famously reminded us, “The past is never dead. It's not even past….”
Wishing everyone a blessed and prosperous 2024! Happy New Year!
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