Loving on You - A Valentine's Day Message for My Singles

It's that time of year again. The time most either love or hate. When jewelry store commercials are in abundance and you can't walk into your local convenience store without tripping over boxes of candy, bow-tie wearing teddy bears, and jumbo cards that scream, "I LOVE YOU." And that usually creates tons of emotions and expectations of not only what to expect but also what to give. Some even create inauthentic relationships in anticipation of being appreciated on that day and others find clever ways to exit relationships for fear of failing miserably in the "delivery" department or sending the wrong message. And if you're in a "single" phase of life, forget about it! Cue the bemoaning and complaining.

I, on the other hand, have loved the day for as long as I could remember. Not because it was designed for "romantic" love but because it was about "sharing and showing love" in general. As far back as I can remember, my parents gave their children Valentine's cards and candy, and we did the same amongst each other (you can only imagine how much candy there was in the house after the 14th with six kids!) And that general love for others carried over even in school when--Charlie Brown-style--we'd share cards with every classmate (not just that one person you thought was super cute).

However, as we've grown older, that "carefree" expression of love has seemed to become a bit heavier, and a bit more contrived and convoluted around this time of year. Face it: the day for most has become nothing more than a tangible measurement of how much we love and are being loved, whether it's a fair measurement or not. But I was recently reminded of something even more important we need to think about as this day approaches: Do we love ourselves--and love ON ourselves--as much as we expect others to? And are we showing ourselves a continuous expression of that love beyond just one day?

I was recently out to brunch with some beautiful, intelligent, successful women. And we didn't waste one minute complimenting each other on everything from our hair to our clothes; congratulating each other on our recent accomplishments; imparting support regarding upcoming ventures. But a few clicks of our Iphone cameras later to capture the occasion and the criticism began...of ourselves. "Ugh. I need to lose weight...what is up with my hair...what was I thinking wearing this outfit." And that opened the door to other criticisms: "I'm not doing enough with my talents...I just feel so lazy these days." Of course, our gripes were negated by positive reinforcement; that reinforcement that, oddly, we are so quick to give another but not so quick to give ourselves. That self love. Seemingly such a little thing but, in fact, a huge thing. And that's where it must begin. Today.

Whether it's speaking more kindly to yourself; treating yourself to those diamond earrings or that sports watch you've always wanted (but have been secretly waiting for someone else to buy you); indulging in that full spa day you've been waiting for a special occasion to engage in; taking that long weekend getaway you've been stacking up novels for; or even simply buying that box of chocolate-covered strawberries, popping that Cabernet, and catching up on must-see movies, do it. And be bold enough to do it on the 14th of February. And then do it every chance you get. Take the focus of what others are doing for you and take inventory of how well you're treating yourself.

When you love on yourself real good, the anticipation of others doing so is lessened and your standards for how you want to be loved take more shape. And if you've already mastered loving on yourself real good, use the 14th to unselfishly love on somebody else that day. Send roses to the elderly neighbor that no one visits or put a box of candy in the break room at work for everyone to enjoy or just call up your aunt that loves to talk and let her have your ear for as long as she wants.

In other words, make the day about "love" in general and not just about how you're being loved by others. Don't get me wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong or so sweet as someone taking time to shower that love on you. But if you're waiting for it, you're missing a ton of opportunities to give it to yourself. And when you start with self, that love and joy has no choice but to spread and be returned to you in due time.

Happy Valentine's YEAR, everyone!

Keep on Pushin'

I would never call myself a quitter. However, I am someone who doesn't often push beyond the word "no." I suspect this is why I was never a Girl Scout. The first time someone turned down my sales pitch for must-have Trefoils, I would simply move on. No cute smile; no batting of the eyelashes. Just how I've always been wired. I also realize how, as an adult, this lack of persistence in some situations could be the very wedge standing in between "dreams" and "realities." And it took a simple trip to the airport to teach me that lesson.

I'm a Virgo. If you know us, we're all about planning and organization. So, mark my record unblemished when it comes to never forgetting to pack an item or missing a flight. That almost changed today and, in the process, it's changing me. Having left my home in sufficient time, I was mortified when I jumped on the main highway out of my city and all four lanes were at a standstill. Foregoing my natural reaction to panic and become frustrated, I focused on the victims involved in the accident instead (having counted five emergency vehicles heading in their direction), and reminded myself that their ordeal was far more serious than mine. I kept the faith that traffic would soon move, but I was ready to accept defeat. In fact, after :30 minutes of not much progress, I was already searching for the number to US Airways to inquire about other available flights heading to Sarasota, Florida. But something in me stopped myself and I said, "Erica, don't give up. Just keep going. You can make it." And so traffic opened up and I was on my way. I picked up speed, regained some hope, but it would not be long before I was back in stand-still traffic on another major highway and, again, the doubt crept in and I felt defeat hovering. This back-and-forth conflict on the highway and in my mind would continue for several more miles, down another major highway, and inside the airport parking garage but, ultimately, I had made it! Or so I thought.

Reaching check-in, I was informed that I was FIVE minutes too late to make my flight. Not literally, but according to the system that requires you to check in :30 minutes before flight time. Asking what could they do for me, the kiosk agent simply replied "nothing" and that I'd need to book another flight at the main ticketing counter. Having fought against defeat for an hour before, I truly felt it was time to give up hope. But again there was some, unrecognizable tiny fire in me that kept whispering "keep trying"; there was something in me that wouldn't allow me to accept "no." I took that tiny hope to the main ticketing counter and assured the agent there was something she could do. She said there was not and instead began looking at other flights for me--even flights out of other nearby airports. But I couldn't accept her consolation either. I wanted--needed--to be on my flight. It was as simple as that.

Seeing that I wasn't ready to acquiesce, the agent gave me a boarding pass for a later flight but suggested I use it to get through security in an attempt to make my original flight. At this point, it was 8:37 a.m.; my flight was departing at 8:45. And, yet, I kept pushing: past the boarding agent and through security (although three TSA agents told me I would not make it, and further complicated matters by re-scanning one of my carry-on items). One agent even informed me that he was sure the airplane door was already closed by then so trying to make it was pointless. Starting to finally accept I had done the best I could, even I had slowed my pace when putting back on my shoes and coat, my mind already beginning to settle on the fact that I would have to return home and try to depart later. But that tiny spark of hope was STILL flickering ever so faintly and, so, I picked up my pace and headed to Gate 29 anyway. As I rounded the corner, the boarding area was completely empty--but flight 3346 was still sitting on the tarmac! I asked the boarding area agent about the flight and told her I was supposed to be on it but was told it was simply too late to board it. 

"That flight behind me?" she asked, looking over her shoulder and out of the window. 

"Yes!" I replied. 

"It's still fueling," she stated matter of factly.

"Does that mean there's a possibility I can get on it?" I asked in desperation.

"Hold on," she nonchalantly replied while dialing the ramp agent. 

I felt my hope growing. 

"Hey. I have Ms. Kennedy up here. She's supposed to be on that flight. Uh huh. Yeah. Okay. I'm sending her down." 

And with that, the agent told me to follow her, popped the gate door, and down the ramp I went! My bag was gate checked and I was told to take any available seat. Ten minutes later, I was in the air.

After I caught my breath and gathered myself on what turned out to be a super smooth flight, I could not overlook the fact that at any one of those numerous "roadblocks" from the traffic jams to the security gate hold up, I could have simply given up. That at any time someone's "no" could have become my "okay." That if I simply would have stopped pushing, my outcome--and even destination (as one alternative was to fly me into Tampa)--would have been completely different. Which begged a deeper question about our destinations in life when it comes to going for what we want. Are we settling too quick? Allowing others to direct our course? Accepting "no's" too easily? Giving up mid stream? Whatever it may be, I was reminded today that what separates the "haves" and "have nots" often times is simply resilience and not accepting defeat. 

Have you applied for that dream job but got no response? Apply again! Competed in an event and lost? Compete again! Denied a loan for that business you've always wanted to start? Ask a different lender! Started school but dropped out? Re-enroll! Whatever your dream is; whatever it is you want, go for it and don't quit! In the words of author Harriet Beecher Stowe, "Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." I learned that today in the simplest of ways and was grateful for the reminder! So to you, I say be bold. Be brazen. Be steadfast and unmovable. And remember to go for what you want as if your life depended on it because, ultimately, it does! For our destiny lies in the palm of our hands and in the power of our persistence!

How An Old Pair of Jeans Set the Course for My New Year

It started as routinely as it usually does. That is, my annual end-of-year closet purge that, although it takes me a while to get started, I actually look forward to for two reasons: 1) because I finally get to rid myself of clothing I've pushed around and past all year that I've either outgrown in size or in style and 2) to help increase my tax refund. And so, without much thought, I began the process of picking, tossing, folding, piling, and stuffing into bags all of those once "hot to death" outfits that at some point are simply deemed the "what was I thinking" outfits. (I'll happily note, I'm having less and less of those revelations as I get older (smile)).

There were a few laughs as I tried to squeeze into ensembles that were more revered for the events they were purchased for than for the ensemble itself. And then there were the pieces that I didn't even waste time going down memory lane for as I was never too fond of them when they were first purchased. You know how we do, ladies? "Hey, I may need this mermaid wool skirt if I ever find the right olive green boots to match!" Right. Never gonna happen. And so this process continued throughout four closets and over two days only interrupted by favorite TV shows and impromptu "refueling" naps. And then, much to my surprise, it happened: I got stuck.

Among shoes, blouses, dresses, coats, and hats, lied a pair of jeans. Now, let me say, I love jeans but of all of the parts of clothing I buy, finding the right pair is often the most challenging and often times I simply give up and give in to those that come the closest to bringing me the "denim nirvana" I'm in continuous search of. And this inconspicuous pair was no exception. Other pairs that had made their way into overflowing bags were easier to toss for unless I brought in a team of friends and a vat of Crisco, they weren't going to make it past my thighs. But these were different. They didn't quite fit well but they didn't fit too bad either. They weren't too short and not too long, and I still found its bold stitching unique, which I recall was what drew me to them when I first purchased them some years back.

There was really no major reason to discard them, and so I put them back in the closet and continued to dig for those items that didn't require any major contemplation in ditching. But every so often I'd look over at those jeans and the contemplation would begin all over again. I'd take them off the hanger; try them on; walk back and forth in the mirror; pull them up; stretch them back down; then decide they weren't worth keeping and throw them in the pile...only to circle back and place them back in the closet. This alone was beginning to zap my energy--and slow my progress--thus calling forth one of those impromptu naps. So down I went. But before drifting off to sleep I was hit with a revelation that woke me up--literally and figuratively. My attitude towards what to do with those jeans was a living metaphor of how I--along with so many of us--approach situations in life, be it relationships, jobs, careers, or maybe even friendships. That is, we know when we've outgrown them; when they're no longer working for us, and yet we make excuses to continue in situations that simply no longer serve us. We hang on to the old instead of reaching forth for the new. Much like those jeans, perhaps it's because we fear not ever finding that "perfect fit" or because we try to convince ourselves that in time, perhaps, we'll simply learn to be comfortable in them. But, as often is the case, we're simply just left feeling stuck and uncomfortable, until we make the hard decision to shed the old and step boldly into the new.

And that's when I knew what I had to do. Not just with those jeans but in my approach to any of life's offerings heading my way. In other words--and to remix the great late Johnnie Cochran's famous quote-- "If it don't fit, it's time to split." That's when I sprung up from the bed, yanked the jeans from across its hanger, and tossed them atop some Hefty bags. Was there a tiny bit of apprehension still lingering in doing so? Of course, as there will be with anything we leave behind in making the decision to press forward toward something new. But the joy I felt in knowing my actions were actually a part of a bigger picture and a greater awareness, let me know it was worth it! And more importantly, as I embark on a new year that I pray presents me with more opportunities for growth and discovery, it was the perfect reminder to shake of the dust of complacency and begin to make room for genuine gratification, which can only be found when we dare to step out of what feels "just okay" and search for our "perfect fit." Happy New Year, everyone!

Changing the Channel on Your Thoughts This Holiday Season

December 1st marks the official beginning of the countdown to one of the most spectacular and joyous holidays of the year. No need to repeat the old rhetoric (which, just happens to be true). We all know what the season is supposed to be about: the uplifting of faith, love, and charity be it through the celebration of Christ's birth, commemorating the re-dedication of the Holy Temple through Hanukkah, or even honoring our culture with Kwanzaa. It's a time when giving should outweigh receiving; when selfishness is replaced with selflessness; and when peace and good cheer should reign supreme. But for many, the (often outlandish) expectations of the holidays can create an emotional load heavier than shopping bags on Black Friday. Finding the perfect gift; hoping to receive the perfect gift; wishing for the perfect setting; planning for the perfect family gathering and, worst, measuring what quantifies as "perfect" against what and who you see is sure to set anyone up for a major let down. And so the lamenting begins before the first shiny, glass bulb is even hung on the Christmas tree. The solution to all of that? Simply change your thoughts!

Joel Osteen, Senior Pastor of Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas is known for offering great practical living advice cradled in Biblical principles. Of his many messages I often enjoy, there was one that profoundly resonated with me, hence the title of this blog. Having lost his father some years back, he spoke of how easy it is at times for him to sit and wallow in that lost. How in everything, he could find some sadness to snuggle up to if he wanted. Looking through old pictures. Listening to certain songs. Even cradling his dad's mementos. Until it hit him that as easily as he could turn the channel on his television away from something that was not appealing to him, he could "change the channel" on his thoughts in an instant as well. 

In other words, when you feel the sad memory creeping in, choose to replace it with a happy one immediately. Remembering the final days of a loved one who passed? Replace it with all of the happy moments you were blessed to share with them instead. Mourning the loss of a relationship? Shift to thoughts of the happy times you did share with faith that you will create even better memories in the future with new lessons and perspectives to guide you. In a financial bind and tempted to wallow over what you can't give? Shift to counting the blessings of what you've been blessed to receive and then give of your time instead to those in need. Whether a glass is half full or half empty truly comes down to how you choose to see it. As Pastor Robert H. Schuller once said, "It takes but one positive thought when given a chance to survive and thrive to overpower an entire army of negative thoughts." So, what "army of thoughts" are you allowing to control you? 

The holidays are truly what we make them to be, whether we see them as a time of joy, a time of frustration, or a time of sorrow. It can be a time for counting our blessings or focusing on our losses. An opportunity to celebrate what we have or sulk over what we don't. And it can even be a time of bemoaning our "dysfunctional" families or celebrating the diversity under our roofs (wink). Like the assorted packages under a Christmas tree, when given the chance, we tend to choose the one that's the brightest, biggest, and looks most promising. Well, we have the power to do the same with our thoughts this season. Don't reach for that negative thought when the option of choosing a positive one awaits you instead. Slide the bow off of that bliss; tear the paper off of that joy; and unwrap the gift of true peace that awaits you. The choice is always yours to make. 

Happy Holidays!

'Agreeing' to a Better, More Joyful Way of Living

From Oprah to Kid Fury, there has been constant plugs or references made to the best-selling book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. And with those kind of endorsements, I figured I needed to join the masses who not already read his book but were living more authentic, joyful lives by following its principles. Besides, I just turned 40 and 40 makes you want to hit the restart button on a lot in your life from career to relationships. And reading this sounded like a good place to help in crafting that new blueprint.

Now, the irony about The Four Agreements--much like other tomes designed to enlighten us with Universal truth--is its principles are (embarrassingly) simple. So simple, it makes you really wonder if we just like things being difficult. (It also makes you wonder why you didn't write this book yourself and make millions, but that's beside the point.) Thank God, these "difficulties" are something Ruiz spends a great deal of time discussing, i.e., the ways in which we actively make life less joyful, painful, and complicated by expending so much energy trying to change what's outside of ourselves as opposed to focusing on creating infinite peace within. It's akin to pulling out a jackhammer to crack open a jar when all you had to do was twist its lid. And boy, oh, boy how we like to pull out the jackhammer.

At 138 pages, it was beyond a quick read but the challenge comes after you close the book and decide to begin applying these four nuggets of truth, for as Ruiz reminds us, we have been well programmed since birth to think in a way that does not align with these four truths. However, not being patient enough to wait for what will be a natural transformation, the Virgo in me needed to take "this thing" on a test drive. The situation: an infraction with a close friend that left me feeling a tad concerned, a ton disappointed, and a tinge of hurt. I could have chosen my normal approach, i.e., just let it be and trust it will sort itself out or confront it head on. I decided to go for the latter, and here is how, in an instant, me and Ruiz saved a friendship.

Agreement #1 - Be Impeccable with Your Word (Speak with integrity; say only what you mean; use your words in the direction of truth and love). And so, that's where I started in rectifying this matter: by carefully sorting through the facts of why I was hurt (because you know how we like to go on tangents and throw in points to strengthen our argument, like bringing up the time the person didn't give you gas money back in 1998) and then conveying that hurt calmly, yet lovingly and honestly. But before doing that, I had to embrace...

...Agreement #2 - Don't Take Anything Personally (Nothing others do is because of you). Right. Some of us just died right there because, in our victimized mindsets, we comfortably have learned to live with the misconception that everything is about us. Wrong. And boy is that a tough one to digest because when we feel someone has hurt us, we tend to believe they had to know it would hurt us so how can we not take it personally? Well, as Ruiz says, "When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our [thoughts], and we try to impose our [thoughts] on their [thoughts]. Epic fail as it's impossible to know what anyone is thinking at any given time. And thank God for that because I truly doubt we could handle it. Which leads to...

...Agreement #3 - Don't Make Assumptions (Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want). Well, just start shaking the tambourine and open the doors of the church now on this one. Aside from friendships, I can't begin to think of how many relationships PERIOD can be saved simply by asking what you need to know, asking for what you want, and saying what you feel, as the most overused line in ANY relationship is, "S/He should know!" As Ruiz says, "With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life," and dare I add, preserve your sanity!

Lastly, Agreement #4 - Always Do Your Best (Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret). There is not a single price you can place on this agreement be it applied to the ending of a job, a relationship, or a sweater you're knitting, for when you KNOW you've done your best, as the old folks say, you can rest. Hearing that always reminds me of the end of the movie Schindler's List, when upon the end of the Holocaust and after Schindler saved the lives of more than a thousand Polish-Jewish refugees by employing them in his factories, he cries out, "I could have done more!" Personally, I think the man was being super hard on himself (and we do have to know the difference between doing our best and beating ourselves up), but if you know that you know that you know you could have done better, said something better, been better, the thought will haunt you like Mozart's ghost (inside movie joke reference (wink)). So, do your best at all times and free your mind in the process.

And so I applied all of these principles to the dilemma with my close friend. I spoke truthfully about my concerns (she was surprised yet pleased I shared them); I didn't take what she did personally (she assured me it wasn't and even shared how what she did with me was showing up in her life with other friends as well); I didn't assume she knew I was disappointed--hence my reaching out to her--and I even asked how we could fix the situation so we could grow from it (she didn't even have a clue I was upset and was more than eager to discuss how we could avoid similar infractions in the future); and in the end we agreed to do our best moving forward as to not ever make each other feel not valued. And just like that, a friendship--and hours of bad thoughts, side eyes, and awkward interactions--were cast aside. Not saying doing these things didn't feel a tad strange, as actively shifting to a new way of thinking and being always does, but I believe the reward was definitely worth the discomfort. Will I have my moments of regression? I'm almost certain I will! But do I have a better option of how to attract more peace in my life to avoid regressing? Absolutely. And hopefully, you do now as well. I think Mr. Ruiz would be proud. I certainly am. And maybe applying the principles would make you feel proud too. After all, all we stand to lose is a life full of peace, love, and joy. And so it is.